


Cruelest Cut of All

by eirenical (chibi1723)



Category: Flatliners (1990)
Genre: Anything you can do I can do better, Codependency, Fade to Black, Foul Language, Hero Complex, M/M, Self-Harm, happily ever after... or something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-21 23:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi1723/pseuds/eirenical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Nelson is broken.  He's sick, somehow, and David just <i>knows</i> that he could save him.  David is the only one who can keep up with him, the only one who can meet him on equal ground and force Nelson to acknowledge him.  Only... Nelson doesn't <i>want</i> to be saved.  Nelson <i>refuses</i> to be saved.  And, as always, that cuts worst of all."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruelest Cut of All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/gifts).



> **Title:** Cruelest Cut of All  
>  **Fandom:** Flatliners (1990)  
>  **Pairing:** David/Nelson  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Word Count:** 3,707  
>  **Warnings:** Slash
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** _Flatliners_ does not belong to me. It belongs to Joel Schumacher and Peter Filardi and I thank them both for giving us this epically codependent bromance to squee over.
> 
>  ** _December 21, 2012:_** Oh, these boys. *smiles fondly* I love their codependency, the way they show they love each other in all these little ways. They think they're being so cool about it, so secretive… but they're not fooling anyone, are they? I hope you enjoy the story and Happy Yuletide!

_You can't save everyone._

That's one of the first things you learn in medical school. Some people just can't be saved. They're too sick. They're too late getting to you. They can't afford to be saved. They don't _want_ to be saved.

It's that last that cuts worst of all. It's the knowing that you _could_ have saved them if they'd just reached out their hands to you, if they'd just _let you help them_. It's the knowing that you could have been the one to save them if you'd just found the right words to convince them to let you do it.

David doesn't accept that -- believes that, deep down, _everyone_ wants to be saved, wants to live. He's fanatical about it, confrontational, is even a bully about it when he has to be. He doesn't care if people let him help just because they're afraid of what he'll do if they don't. He doesn't care -- as long as they let him save them. And he's _good_ at it, proud of it... even if it makes him a bit of an asshole. He's saving lives. That's why he went to medical school, after all, isn't it?

His classmates like him... mostly. He's useful. He's skilled. He's charming when he wants to be. They need his help and like to stay on his good side to ensure they have it... but he _is_ a bit of an asshole, and they never forget it. It's his pride and he knows it. Still, he doesn't care. He isn't in this for them. He's in this for all the people he could be saving, all the fights with death he's going to win.

It isn't until he meets Nelson Wright that he realizes that he may have been going about this whole thing the wrong way.

Nelson... Jesus Christ, Nelson doesn't give a fuck who lives or dies. David figures that out the first time they're paired up in school. Nelson is brilliant, has a mind that ranges so much further than David's own that sometimes it feels as though they aren't even on the same planet, much less on the same page... but the things that mind produces... Even David has to admit to wonder. The answers Nelson comes up with, the problems he solves at barely a glance...

This isn't to say that David is stupid. He isn't. He's actually fucking brilliant. He's the one that the others all come to when they need answers. He's the one that can not only diagnose a disease but can process what to do about it and enact it eons before the other students have even cracked open a book to look at the problem. He's fast, he's smart, he's decisive and confident. He's going to be the best... _is_ the best.

Nelson has a different kind of intelligence, entirely. He could be as good as David, as sought after for his help, as praised by the professors, as successful in clinics, but he doesn't _want_ it... and that blows David's mind. He just doesn't understand it. Nelson isn't in this because he wants to be a good doctor. He's in this because medicine -- science -- is interesting. There are problems here, mysteries here, begging to be solved... and Nelson loves puzzles. He loves figuring things out and tackling the unknown. It isn't about saving people, about beating death, for him -- it's about deconstructing the very process of death and defeating **it**.

And it draws David to him like a moth to a flame. Well... that and the fact that Nelson is an even bigger asshole than he is. He's broken, somehow -- even Joe and Steckle see that. It isn't that he's a sociopath or anything -- he can still connect to people -- but he throws up this wall of his intelligence, of his utter disdain for anyone less brilliant than he, as a barrier between himself and everyone else. There must be something truly terrible behind that wall for Nelson to defend it so staunchly. David doesn't know what it is, but he sees its effects in the day-to-day workings of Nelson's mind, in his attitude, in his utter lack of care for the people he _could_ be saving... but doesn't care to.

Nelson is broken. He's sick, somehow, and David just _knows_ that he could save him. David is the only one who can keep up with him, the only one who can meet him on equal ground and force Nelson to acknowledge him. Only... Nelson doesn't _want_ to be saved. Nelson _refuses_ to be saved. And, as always, that cuts worst of all.

This latest idea of his -- flatlining... Christ. David thought that it was just about over, then. Nelson had finally found the ultimate challenge, the ultimate way to defeat death... by knowing it -- utterly, completely, and comprehensively. If Nelson can find the secrets to death, if he can know his enemy that well, he can find a way to defeat it. David believes enough in Nelson to know that it's possible, and the part of him that is in this business to save lives wants that knowledge more than anything.

So, he goes along. He shows up. He does what he does best. He saves lives. Only, the one life he wants most to save is the one he feels falling farther and farther away from him with each successful resurrection. Nelson is dying by inches inside that head of his, is rebuffing David's every attempt to help, and David doesn't know what to fucking _do_.

It isn't until after Rachel goes under, until those disastrous consequences come home to roost, that David sees a crack in Nelson's armor of arrogance. He's starting to understand exactly how big this thing is that he's landed them all in the middle of and exactly how unprepared he is to handle it. Now _he_ doesn't know what to do, either... and he's scared. David can see it in his eyes -- an avalanche of fear waiting behind that wall to bury him... and _still_ he won't let David help. It's maddening, but David forces himself to back off, to help the ones he can help... the ones who _want_ to be saved.

And in the absence of Nelson's brilliant mind, David is free to let his own function. He may not be able to think outside the box as well as Nelson does, but _inside_ the box? He's fucking king of the inside of that box and once he's accepted the new box that they're in, has figured out its rules, it isn't long before he figures out a way to save them all. But, he's responsible -- just as Nelson did, he should test his theories on himself first. So, he's going to Bensonville. He's going to seek out Winnie Hicks and he's going to apologize, make amends if he can.

It's an unexpected snag that Nelson shows up when he does. And Nelson... Nelson looks like shit. Beaten, bruised, cut and limping -- he looks like he's been through a war zone -- but it's more than that. It's his eyes, again. That arrogance, that utter faith in his own intelligence... it's just gone. If Nelson was broken before, he's in pieces, now... and David doesn't have time to deal with him.

David tries to brush past him, to get on with what needs doing so he can save everyone who actually wants his help, but for once, Nelson isn't budging. He actually asks how Rachel is, as if he truly cares -- and maybe he does. Maybe underneath that wall of arrogance, he actually does care for Rachel. Who knows? But the timing is false. He puts it out there because he knows that David will pause, will want to figure out if it's real, will stay just a minute longer. David doesn't have time for those games.

Just when he thinks he's dissuaded Nelson from any further interruptions, though, Nelson surprises him yet again. Nelson wants to come with him. Nelson has no real idea of where he's going or why, but he wants to come... because he doesn't want to be alone. David stops, truly looks at him for the first time since this whole insane conversation started. It's Nelson's eyes, again. Underneath the brokenness, underneath the fear... this is Nelson finally asking for help. And in that moment, David has the sudden irrational thought that if Nelson really means it, if he really wants to be saved... that David will throw away his chance to save everyone else just to take him up on it.

That insight rocks David to the core -- not because it's unexpected... but because it isn't. Somewhere along the line, Nelson had become as intrinsic to David's existence as David had become to his. He was the only one in this school, in this whole damned world, to ever challenge him to think outside the box, to meet him on a higher academic playing field. David _needs_ that challenge, now, has become hooked on it, and obsessed with saving the one person who has longest refused his attempts to save him. David needs Nelson... and Nelson has finally figured out what it means that he needs David. Nelson doesn't just want to not be alone -- he wants to be with David.

So, David brings him to Bensonville. It's fragile, this thing between them -- just as fragile as Nelson is right now -- and he's terrified to let Nelson out of his sight now that it's out in the open. And Nelson seems content with that. After years of fighting, of pretending that he's all right when he isn't, of standing on his own two feet and rejecting any and all available help... it's almost frightening how quiescent he's become. He's still Nelson -- still arrogant, snarky and a bigger asshole than David -- but this is a Nelson who's given up any pretense of being in control of his life. This is a Nelson who's handed over the reins to someone else for the first time in a very long time and is showing a terrifying amount of faith in David's ability not to run them into a tree.

David doesn't know how to react to that faith, but he's going to do his damndest to live up to it -- to save Nelson and put him back together.

It isn't more than three hours later that he realizes what a damned foolish promise that was to make. He left Nelson alone for twenty minutes -- _twenty minutes_ \-- and he's already in trouble. He's in the back of the truck, grappling with _himself_ , for fuck's sack, alternately doing his damndest to drive a pickaxe into his head and to push it away from himself. David doesn't know what to make of it, but he's not going to waste the time to figure it out. When Nelson screams, he figures he has seconds before whatever is in Nelson that's protecting him from self-harm fails, so he doesn't think twice about smashing the window of his truck to get inside.

He straddles Nelson, grabs the pickaxe and tries to pry it from his locked hands. Once he takes over that task, all of Nelson's strength redirects into trying to slam that pickaxe into his skull. David isn't ready for it, is lurched off-balance for precious seconds, but recovers quickly. And in those heart-stopping moments of panic-laced struggling, David finally notices that Nelson's eyes are squeezed tightly shut. The fucker is _asleep_. He does anything he can, then, to wake him up -- screams, curses, begs, whatever it takes. Eventually it works but when Nelson wakes up, he's in a panic -- eyes wide, pupils blown, chest heaving, demanding to know where Billy is.

Later on, David will wish he'd broken the news to him more gently, but at the time, there's the bitter tang of adrenaline in the back of his mouth, the sour taste of fear, and he just blurts it out -- that there's no one there but them... that Billy isn't real. And something in Nelson's eyes just... shatters. He understands, of course, exactly what David has implied with his revelation. He's smart enough that he doesn't need the explanation.

If there is no Billy Mahoney... then Nelson inflicted every one of his injuries on himself.

The body beneath David's starts to tremble, those blown pupils stretching impossibly wider in horror, the broken pieces of Nelson's mind shattering into dust. And all Nelson can do is whimper, "Oh God... Oh God... OhGodohgodohgod..." over and over and over.

David shifts off of him slowly, carefully, and pulls him up into a sitting position against the side of the truck. Nelson is limp, utterly spent, eyes wide and glassy, and he slumps over the second David lets go. David catches him, pulls him close up against him and says, "Easy, there, Nelson. Easy... It's OK."

Nelson lets out a broken, little laugh, collapses against David and starts shaking his head. After a moment, the laughter picks up again, just this side of hysteria... until it isn't just this side of it anymore. What a joke. What a _fucking_ joke. It isn't OK and Nelson is too damned smart to accept the easy platitude. He knows exactly how deep this shithole is now and exactly what it's going to take to climb out of it. When Nelson eventually calms against him, he says, "I like you, Dave. You're a fucking Boy Scout and you're full of shit... but I like you."

David just pulls him closer, laughs into his hair where it's tickling David's mouth, "You know what, Nelson? You're an arrogant, self-absorbed asshole who wouldn't recognize empathy if it slapped you across the mouth... but I like you, too." They sit there like that for another few minutes when David feels Nelson shift against him, feels the other man's hand slide over his denim-clad leg and start to inch upward. When David realizes what Nelson's about to do, his blood runs cold and he jerks away, "Whoa! Whoa, there! Uh... what... what are you doing, Nelson?"

Nelson snorts, rolls his eyes, then he leans closer and says, "Well, that's a kick in the ass. I _must_ be out of practice if you're asking me that."

David pulls away again, starts to edge towards the front of the truck. He wasn't expecting this, didn't know that Nelson even... shit. It was too much. He'd never... and _Nelson_? Fuck. Whatever the case, this sure as hell wasn't the time or the place for... whatever. Nelson was hurt -- even more so than he'd been before -- and they had to get back to town, tell Rachel and Joe what David had figured out about how to fix them all. They had to help David find Billy and ask his forgiveness. At Nelson's now closed-off look, David capitulates, returns to his side to lay a hand against his cheek, "Nelson... now's just not the time, OK? We'll talk later. We'll... we'll figure this out, OK? Later."

Nelson doesn't have much to say after that, returns to his seat in the front of the truck and sits there quietly, pressing a handkerchief to his head. He's quiescent, again, but this time it's a sullen silence. There's something dark, something ominous, brewing behind Nelson's wall of arrogance -- David watches him rebuild that wall brick by brick on the drive back -- and David can tell that whatever it is that Nelson's brewing... it isn't quite sane.

* * *

It was bad when they got back -- Nelson and Rachel attacking each other, injured dogs protecting their hurts by lashing out at others. And Nelson... Christ, he was a different beast altogether than the one who'd rode up to Bensonville with him. Gone was the quiet, the contemplation, the trust and faith. In it's place was a cornered animal, nearly rabid with its need to lash out and protect itself. David was able to get him to back down once, but that was all Nelson would give him.

Leaving Nelson in Joe and Steckle's hands while David took care of Rachel, though... that was the biggest fucking mistake David had ever made and it almost cost him his best friend. David had been right -- what he brought back with him from Bensonville was a Nelson so far beyond broken that there was nothing left to rebuild. What he hadn't realized, though, was that David had been the one thing holding him together... and he'd just ripped that support away, abandoned him with no thought to the consequences.

Either Joe or Steckle could have handled Rachel -- maybe not as well as David had, but Rachel was strong. Once she knew what to do, she was capable of fixing herself. Nelson... Nelson had been too strong for too long and he had had nothing left -- nothing left but David. David should have fucking stayed with him. Well, he wasn't making the same damned mistake twice. Once they managed to resuscitate him, get him back on his feet, David when home with him.

Nelson was wild-shy around him then, like he didn't know how to act around the man who'd saved his life... twice. On some level, he must have expected that there would be no coming back from this one. Only the fact that he'd hinted to Joe and Steckle what he'd planned on doing, that he'd called Rachel -- _intended_ to call David -- and told her what he had planned, had saved his life. They'd never have gotten there soon enough otherwise. But David wasn't going to despair over that.

He was going to rejoice. He was going to rejoice in the fact that even in his extremity, Nelson had _reached out_. He'd wanted to be saved. David was banking on the fact that he still did.

Eventually he persuaded Nelson to undress for the night and tuck up in bed, then stripped off his own shoes, shirt and jeans to curl in next to him. Nelson stiffened, tried to pull away. When David edged closer, Nelson snapped, "Fuck you, David. What the hell do you want from me?"

David smiled, glad to hear his friend's spirit rising to the surface, again, at last. He said, "Easy, man. I'm just trying to keep you warm. You've been through a lot and you could use the extra heat, OK?"

Nelson turned, slanted his eyes in David's direction, "And that's _all_ you want?"

David's smile slid into a smirk as he shrugged, "I hate to point it out, but _you_ were the one looking for 'more than that' just twelve hours ago."

Nelson sat up, yanked the blankets closely around him, eyes blazing, "Thought you were done with that kind of teasing now that you apologized to Ms. Hicks." David opened his mouth to talk, but Nelson ran right over him, "May I remind you, David, that _you're_ the one who said, 'No'?"

David shook his head and laughed, reached up to tug his half of the blankets back out of Nelson's hands. He said, "You know, Nelson, for a genius, you've got a shoddy memory. I didn't say 'No.'" At Nelson's answering scowl, David reached up a hand to brush through Nelson's hair as he finished softly, "I _said_... 'Not now.'"

Nelson stared him down for a minute, two minutes, three. Eventually his body relaxed from its tense posture and he said, simply, "You ran from me. You were all I had and you _ran from me_."

"I did," David said. He motioned with his arms and Nelson reluctantly settled into them. David pulled the covers up over both of them and started running a soothing hand up and down Nelson's back. He said, "You scared me, Nelson. I... no one I've ever been with -- boy or girl -- has challenged me the way you do. But that's not all this is. You scare me because there's something in you that's dark, Nelson. Maybe all this time it's been Billy Mahoney -- I don't know -- but there's something dark and terrible inside you and it drowns everyone else around you who isn't strong enough to stand against the undertow. And I was terrified that if _I_ went under..." He trailed off.

Nelson scoffed, "If you went under, who would save you?"

David shook his head and pressed a soft kiss to Nelson's, "No. If I went under... who would save you when _you_ did?"

Nelson's breath caught and he tensed, again, trembling lightly in David's arms. Only this time... David wasn't going to pull away. He stayed there, rubbing soothing circles on Nelson's back, just riding it out until his friend regained his equilibrium. Once the trembling slowed, David said, "This is going to sound hokey as shit, Nelson, but I'm going to say it anyway. You complete me. You and me -- we're yin and yang. We need each other. And if that means I have to risk getting pulled under... well, I think I'll just trust that you know your way back to the surface by now." He smiled, "You can do the saving for once. How does that sound?"

Nelson shook his head where it was buried in the crook of David's shoulder, huffed out a short laugh, "I think you're right, David. That _does_ sound hokey as shit. I also think you were right earlier." At David's querying noise, Nelson said, "It's not the time to talk about all that crap." When David pulled back to meet Nelson's gaze, Nelson smirked and leaned in to press their noses together, "Tomorrow we can worry about your sudden, inexplicable need for a Disney princess ending and whatever underlying psychosis is driving you to it. Tonight, I just want to get laid and you're somehow even sexier than usual, seeing as you just saved my ass." He waggled his eyebrows, "Interested?"

David stared at him for a full minute as he tried to re-wet his suddenly dry mouth and remember how to breathe. Finally, he shivered once, then rolled so that he was pinning Nelson to the bed. As Nelson snickered up at him, David simply said, "Fuck, **yes** ," and bent to claim Nelson's lips with his own.

Screw saving anyone. Sometimes there were more important things in life... like living it.


End file.
